Why I’m telling people before 12 weeks

A guest post from one of our BabyBliss mums.

When we found out about our first pregnancy, we were so excited. It seemed like we were just 36 short weeks between those two lines on a stick and having a beautiful bouncing babe in our arms.

It wasn’t to be.

We did the normal thing and didn’t broadcast it before 12 weeks. We knew the stats: around one in four pregnancies don’t make it to birth. We never thought we’d be the ones.

By 13 weeks, we had lost our baby and my vision of a happy future was shattered. I know that sounds dramatic but it’s honestly how it felt. At the time, my husband grieved but he admitted he had not pictured the future in such crystal clear detail as I had. I was grieving for a whole life that I imagined would happen while he was grieving for the loss of a 13 week foetus.

When we lost our baby, we needed support. I was devastated and so very sad. I wanted to talk to people but the conversation was so difficult.

“So, we got pregnant… no don’t get excited, we’re not pregnant now.”

I wished they’d known.

Of course we’d told our closest family members but the support of our broader group of friends was something I needed and had to painfully seek, explaining our loss as completely “new news”.

For our second pregnancy (also a loss) we changed our approach entirely and told our closest family members and friends. Our rule was, “We’ll tell anyone we’d seek support from if something goes wrong.”

When we heard the words, “I’m sorry; there’s no hearbeat,” we were again devastated but we knew we would get support from our friends and it did help.

There is still significant stigma associated with miscarriage and even more of a stigma about the decision to terminate at the 12 week scan after learning of genetic problems. Without wanting to wade into that debate, not proceeding with a pregnancy is brutally sad even if it is early in the pregnancy.

I’ve been thinking about how incredibly tough it must be for Will and Kate to play this out on the global stage and my heart goes out to them. Deciding to tell people before the 12 week mark was the right decision for us, and it seems for them.

I’m pregnant again and have again told my friends as well as family. Who knows what the future will bring but at least they will be there to support me.

Photo credit: Dos rayas by Daniel Lobo